The Light

Your word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path.
Psalm 119:105

The Word is my lamp, but how many times do I wander in the darkness trying to find the way? And how many times do I remain lost and frustrated? Why do I do this? It is impossible to find the way without the Light. One cannot stumble across the path in luck or chance. Without the Light the path is gone. It is not that it is there and we cannot see it. It is completely gone. When the Light leaves or we extinguish it, it takes the way with it. Actually I take that back. The Light does not leave on its own accord and we cannot extinguish it. The Light is held by our Guide. Our Guide can take the Light away when He chooses or we exclude Him, yet the Light cannot be extinguished. A light shines in all directions and we can be tempted to go in any direction because we can see a little bit in each direction so that is why the guide, who knows the path, leads the way. Light in our hands helps us see our way; light in the guide's hands helps us follow the path. Truth in our hands helps gives us wisdom; Truth in the Holy Spirit's hand saves souls. I must let my Guide hold the Lamp to light my path.

(excerpt from my journal)

The Biggest Void in the Universe

So I looked up "the universe void" on google and it said that the largest void in the universe is a billion light years across. Now that is quite large. Yet I want to contest this claim and say that the biggest void in the universe is in the unbeliever's heart. People do not recognize it for if they did they would respond. We did not recognize it until the Holy Spirit revealed it to us and we knew we needed that void to be filled by the only One that is big enough to fill it.
I believe that this void is not alone with the unbeliever because recently I have been experiencing this event as well. Of course not as large, for I have the Light, yet a void is present in my life. I think that I have been experiencing for quite some time yet it was intensified recently to where I could identify it. To be surrounded by people that love me and care for me and still to experience this emptiness must be something greater, perhaps supernatural. It goes beyond my childhood beliefs that fulfillment and joy comes from people around you or your attitude about things. Even I believed that the Church could sustain you and keep you, yet it is not true. These things are helpful especially the Church, but without Christ sustaining you and keeping you it is useless. He is the only one that can truly satisfy. Yet my whole life I looked for satisfaction in so many things: family, friends, soccer, school (yeah right), church, doing good things. These distracted me and consumed me that I could not truly focus on what satisfies...Christ. And one cannot be satisfied unless they allow Christ to satisfy them and one cannot be satisfied unless Christ decides to satisfy them. I long to satisfy my spirit which is what Christ satisfies. My flesh must die for that is what looks for satisfaction in the things of the world and the void will grow larger if I feed my flesh. Our God wants to entertain us. Not in a superficial and self-pleasing way. But He wants to entertain our thoughts, our emotions, our actions, our speech. He wants us to be pleased in Him. For when we are entertained by this world, it steals His glory. Let us glory in the Lamb.

Back on Track

Well, I am in Houston now. I ended up coming on Wednesday night so I could help some after my Dad's surgery. He was doing fine when I left and I assume that he is still fine. But now I am back and Matt Chance is in for the weekend because he has a taekwando tournament in Katy, so he spent the night with us. It is good to catch up with him and his life.
The Lord has been showing me a few things and me leaving for a couple of weeks allowed me to put a voice to what He has been teaching me. Going back forced me to understand and convey the things that I am going through and what God has been teaching me. Which is good to actually understand what God is doing with one instead of just saying that God is working. Which is ultimately enough...but it is nice to explain it to friends and family. The Lord has been showing my self to me and how sinful and evil it is. Apart from Him, I am disgusting and vile, any good that comes out of me comes from Him. Be that the love of God or acts of mercy or a passion for Him or even discipline to go after Him. I always felt that discipline came from myself. Discipline to be in the bible or to pray or to go out and witness, but God is showing me even that discipline comes from Him. Many times I would see brothers and sisters not having the discipline to do these things because they felt a lack of passion and I would disapprove. But the Lord is showing me even that is from Him and that I am no better than them and people are no better than me. We are all worthless. Which is another trap I fell into. I focused on how pitiful and pathetic I am. Yet God does not allow these struggles so that we can continue to focus on ourselves but on Christ. We must look at the cross. How cliche, yet how true. When we are doing well and Christ is filling us we must look at the cross lest we become proud and arrogant. And when we are struggling and dry we must look to the cross to lift us out and allow the mercy and grace to be applied. The whole time God is trying to make it about Him and the whole time we are trying to make it about ourselves. I have awhile before I truly live like this, ha, probably like a lifetime, but that is what He is pointing me to. When I am up...it is about Him...when I am down...it is about Him...it is for His glory. How easy it is to have this knowledge in our heads but when Christ reveals it to our hearts, oh how glorious!

-Brennen

Returning to Houston

I am going back to Houston in a few hours. I have spent the last couple of weeks with my family. One week was in the mountains of New Mexico with my parents and this the last week has been in Dallas. It is always good to step back and look at your life from a different perspective and this time has allowed just that. I am still with the same family and continuing working with the homeless, and a few other ministry opportunities. It has been nice to view the work and God's plan from a different view for these past couple of weeks. I have started to get restless in Houston. It has recently been a dry season with much warfare between my spirit and flesh and it seems that my flesh seems to be winning. I have heard many people talk about this time of struggle and temptation and I have experienced a little but never to this magnitude. I know that I must get used to this because this is a regular season in the life of a child of God. And from what I hear it normally gets harder in the future. I know what I should do yet it seems that my flesh is too strong and I cannot do it. This causes much frustration in my life. Not doing what I want to do and doing what I do not want to do. Sounds familiar. So with all of this needless to say it has left me very restless. It has nothing to do with the the people or situations but I have been there the past year and I am ready to move on. Yet I cannot go, because the Lord does not want it. I know that He will deliver me from this time. I have tried praying more, fasting, speaking with wise people, leaving for awhile, yet to no avail. He has shown me that it is not based on the situations or people or even me, but solely on Him and He will deliver me when it is His time. So I must wait, be patient and be obedient as much as I can be. I must not focus on myself or my shortcomings, but focus on God and His abundant grace. The cross must be my glory. Amen

-Brennen